


Answering Machines

by hangoverhater



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Answering machines are the bane of everyone's existence, Especially Tseng's, Gen, a bored Reno is a creative Reno, he should not be left alone in the office
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 14:41:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4023697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hangoverhater/pseuds/hangoverhater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reno is bored. Tseng is out of the office, and his phone won't stop ringing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Answering Machines

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this one ages ago to deviantart. I'm amazed I still remembered my password when I logged in to find this piece of work.

**Ring, ring.**

**Ring, ring, ring.**

"Bossman, it's your phone, yo..."

**Ring, ring, ring, ring.**

"Oh right. He's out. 'Lena!! ....Oh yeah. She's out too. RU-- aw, dammit."

**Ring, ring, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.**

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold yer horses. I'm comin', yo."

Reno walked into Tseng's office and picked up the offending receiver.

"Yo?"

_"Who's this?"_

"Who's what now?"

_"I'm trying to reach Tseng. Head of the TURKS?"_

"Sorry, bro, he ain't here."

_"Well where is he?"_

"Hell if I know, yo. Probably out killin', torturin' and squeezin' money outta people somewhere."

_"W-What!!! Who are you?"_

"Yo, man, you're breaking up, can't hear ya dude, sorry, bye!"

Reno hung up the phone and almost made it out of the door before the phone rang again. He thought about not answering at first, but decided against it. Tseng'd probably kill him later for playing in his office, but hell, he'd die as a happy man.

He jogged back over to the desk, flopped down on the very expensive leather chair and picked up the phone again.

"Chocobo Farmers Union, how may I help you?"

_"..."_

"Hello? Anyone there?"

_"I have the wrong number. Sorry to disturb you."_

Reno recognized the voice as Shinra's most hated scientist, Hojo.

"No problem, mister. You wouldn't happen to be a chocobo farmer, would you?"

_"No, I am not. I will hang up now."_

"That's too bad, 'cuz we have some great offers for our new members: a month's supply of chocobo food!!"

**Click. Beep, beep, beep...**

Reno stared at the receiver, appalled.

"He hung up on me!"

He put the receiver back to it's place and waited. Two minutes later the phone rang for the third time. Reno decide to give the caller his best impersonation of a hooker.

"Slippery Susan."

_"...Excuse me?"_

"It's Susie, hun. Who are you, big boy?"

_"Uh... I'm Palmer."_

Reno cringed. The obese Head of Shinra's Space Program. He decided to go on with the prank anyway, and continued with his sultriest voice.

"Hello there, Palmer... Would you like to know what I'm wearing?"

_"Uh, I-I think I might have the wrong number..."_

"Nonsense, sweetheart. What are YOU wearing?"

_"...A suit?"_

"Oh, a businessman... I love businessmen... They pay so much... attention to what they're doing."

_"Er... Do you like lard?"_

That was when Reno couldn't take it anymore. He hung up.

"I'm NEVER doing that again!!"

Then the phone rang. Reno immediatly wiped the look of disgust from his face and picked up the receiver.

"Sector 3 Flower Power, how may I help you?"

_"I'm sorry, I seem to have misdialed... Say, your voice sounds nice. I'm guessing you're 24 years old? Do you like older women?"_

Reno's face blanched. Scarlet, Head of Shinra Weapons Development Department. She was a woman in her fourties, looking like she was sixty.

"Uh, I'm sorry, ma'am, I already have a girlfriend."

_"Dammit. Well, how serious are you?"_

Reno hung up. He quickly came to the conclusion that he didn't want to be harassed by that woman.

\-- _An hour and multiple calls later_ \--

The phone rang yet again. Reno looked at the machine, dumbfounded.

"Does Tseng really answer all these calls? Every fuckin' day? No wonder he accepted Rufy's shady idea of a mission so easily, yo."

However, something in his gut told him that this was a call to be reckoned with.

"Tseng's office, Reno here, yo."

_"Reno? Where's Tseng?"_

"Oh hiya, Rufy! Tseng ain't here, yo. He's still on the mission ya sent him on."

_"Stop calling me that. Look, the reason I'm calling is because I've been getting strange complaints from people who've been trying to reach Tseng. Apparently they always get the wrong number. You wouldn't happen to have anything to do with that?"_

"Who, me? Of course not, Rufy! Why'd ya think that?"

_"Because I know how you get when you're bored. Does the word 'coffee' and Tseng ring any bells?"_

Reno scratched his head, grinning from ear to ear.

"That doesn't count, you were in on it too, yo."

_"Heh heh... Hmm, anyway, are you absolutely sure you're not responsible for this incident?"_

"Hell to the no, Rufy-boss. You're the first one to call all day. Hey, how's this sound: you, me, some chinese take-out and waterballoons?"

_"....Hmm... Tempting... Fine. Meet me at the 75th floor's balcony in 20 minutes."_

"Sir, yes sir. You call the take-out delivery guy and I'll get the balloons, yo."

They hung up and Reno got out of the chair.

"Damn that's a nice chair!! Wonder if I could get Ruf to buy me one of those, yo..."

Reno wondered aloud as he walked out of Tseng's office, closing the door behind himself.

\--------

The phone rang.

No one was there to answer it.

_"This is Tseng's überpwnsome voicemail service, yo! He can't answer now 'cuz he's busy sleepin' in his chair, so leave a message after da beep so he might get back to ya when he wakes up, yo!"_


End file.
